| body positivity

To be content with your body

6 May 2017

Body positivity

A subject I find incredibly important. We live in a society where our appearance is constantly judged, by others but also by ourselves. Unfortunately there are many people who look in the mirror and see an image they don’t like. People who don’t feel confident without make-up. People who don’t like their body shape. Zits, fat rolls, bony shoulders, broad shoulders, it seems as if no body-type is ever good enough. We all have flaws, insecurities. Can you imagine a world where everyone looks like a (photo-shopped)supermodel, even without make-up on, a new ‘natural’ look. I’m pretty sure we would still find flaws, maybe in a different way, but still we wouldn’t be content. If this would be reality -I am sorry to crush this ‘ideal’ image- but don’t you think this would make us so much less interesting. We would lose so much diversity and we should embrace our diversity. Because it is beautiful.

I have had struggles with my body image for many years. And now I’m happy to say that I am actually really happy with my body. The truth is my body still looks the same, mostly anyways. But internally I have changed. I have learned to appreciate my tiny posture, my lack of boobs, my skin even with my scars, bruises and impurities. I have accepted that you can see my rib cage when I bent forward and see my belly bulge at the same time. There are still things that I don’t like about my appearance, things that make me self aware. But I have decided that I can be content about them and I do realize how little they change about my appearance as a whole. Most importantly how they change me only for the better as a person.

I was always thin, something many people strive for. I wasn’t always happy though. Comments ranged from; ”Do you eat enough? If you don’t eat more, I will be worried about you having anorexia -no joke, someone actually told me this in a joke like way, after which I escaped to the bathroom to cry. Here have some more food, you need it. I wish I was as skinny as you are! You’re so lucky, you don’t get fat!” All these comment were made by people who care(d) for me. But I hope you can realize that they did not make me happy, not at all. Two lovely ladies did ask me why it would not be nice to hear that you are thin, after all it’s something they see as a positive thing. I explained them and I will explain it here as well, very short using my opinion. I never wanted to be skinny, I wanted to be healthy, a healthy weight. Hearing the words skinny or thin always made me feel like I was underweight. As if people would judge me for not eating enough, not being enough. And that hurts.

Mariët Mons wrote a beautiful post about beauty or function of our bodies. It is written in Dutch, and if you can please read it. Mariët writes beautiful. The main message is something that I want to share with you! It’s that we should realize that the value of our body does not depend on how it looks, the value is in it’s functionality. What really is important is health and love, and for this you do NOT need a perfect body that lacks flaws and follows all the beauty standards.

Here is a tiny exercise that may sound silly to some, but who cares. Kan gewoon:

Stand in front of your mirror, if possible a full body frame mirror. You can wear your favorite outfit, your underwear, nothing, it doesn’t really matter. Now close your eyes. Say all your flaws (out loud or in your mind) BUT follow them by saying a positive thing about the flaws as well. Start wherever you like, and finish when you feel like it. Take a deep calm breath and open your eyes.

I hope you realize that you are beautiful!

With love,

Citlali

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curiosity killed the cat

23 April 2017

There is this thing about my curiosity, making me discover some things I don’t want to. It once happened years ago, making me implode. Tears just ran down my face and I felt sick to my stomach. I was hurting for quite a long time afterwards. We somehow make a terrible combination, nevertheless we make a great one as well. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t discovered it. I don’t know where I would be, and more importantly I don’t know where you would be, if you would still be here. So I can’t let go of my curiosity, I just can’t.
 photo 11. RUSTIC_zpsmnsmieyd.png

And there we where, playing some stupid game yet enjoying it. I ruined it, I tend to ruin a lot of things by my curiosity. Why is it that I never learn from my mistakes? It’s a burden for myself, and for others. I keep finding out stuff I don’t want to know about. Yet knowing the truth might be the best, it just hurts. It hurts to know, and I don’t know why but I can’t blame you for anything. I could already tell. I felt it. I could just feel this sight, the thin air being released from your lips. An internal eye roll. Every damn time. I felt it but I tried to block my negative thoughts since I tend to overthink everything.

And then you where there for real. You kept smiling. Laughing. I got confused as your friendliness was combined by words forming tiny little thorns pressing against my skin. Not realizing how it makes me feel, I could easily blame it on my stupid sensitivity. And then there is you, the first person who gave me a warm welcome. But i guess you could already tell by our first meeting, my weak handshake, what kind of person I really am. I don’t know if I can even blame you. I know you good enough to know that you are lovely, you would never hurt me on purpose.

I was too curious, and too weak for the truth.

Should I not have sent that? Should I have waited till my energy levels were balanced once again. Is it my fault? My fault for saying the wrong stuff, for not being able to deal with things like normal people. Is this one of my many weaknesses? I have many flaws nonetheless I like to believe that they are outshines by my good qualities. Are they though?

A deep breath later and I can already feel that my mentality has changed. It is just hard to be confronted with the truth.

I wasn’t even supposed to know.

So here I am pouring my heart out in words. Feeling fragile yet at peace.

With love,

Citlali

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A small inside to my thoughts

28 March 2017

I keep wanting to write, but then I don’t. I forget, I don’t make time for it and when I have time for it I’m not in the mood.
The things I want to write about are often damn hard topics. Ranging from a bit hard to pretty much depressing.

For one,
I like to believe that there is more to everyone we meet.
A quote I have seen quite often on pinterest is ‘be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting their own battle’.
Conclusion; you don’t know what a person is going trough.
Sure it’s not an excuse to act like an asshole, but it puts things in perspective. People go trough all kind of stuff and yes it makes us vulnerable, but it also shapes us as a person, it makes us interesting.
It gives us all these layers and it can make us very complicated as well.

I am a highly curious person. Therefor, I like to get to know people layer by layer. Sometimes skipping too many layers or not realizing that people are not ready or not willing to share those layers with me.

I used to be very closed. Telling someone which songs I would listen to or what my opinion was on something made me very scared. As if they would make fun of me and not respect my opinions. Fortunately, I have grown immensely as a person. I am still shy, but I stand up for what I believe in, at least a tad bit more, and I try to open up.

I believe that I get people out of their shells at least a bit. Because I am shy but also a peoples person, people tend to feel comfortable around me and they open up. I like that.
I like getting to know ‘the quiet’ ones. The ones that come across as ‘boring’ stay at home people. Perhaps people like me. And then to get to know how utterly opposite to boring they are.

As a clarification, no I don’t inspect people and analyse who I should hang out with, based on my crappy judgement. I try not to judge on how someone looks. I still do, but I try not to let my prejudgment change how I am towards others. Just how I wouldn’t want to be judged based only on how I look.

 

 

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| Schrijfsel

Doei

26 March 2017

Het is een hele poos geleden dat ik omkeek naar mijn blog. Ik kan niet zeggen dat ik het gemist heb, maar toen ik hoorde dat ik mijn site over een maandje zou moeten ‘verlengen’ kreeg ik het verlangen om er weer iets mee te doen. Het is al meer dan een jaar geleden dat ik hier iets geplaatst heb. Om heel dramatisch te klinken, er is ongelofelijk veel veranderd in het afgelopen jaar. Dus om je een veel te korte impressie te geven:

  • Deze couch potato is heel enthousiast begonnen met 4 keer in de week te kickboksen, and I LOVE IT! (anders zou ik het ook niet zo vaak doen)
  • Ik besloot om eindelijk echt mijn haar kort te knippen, en sinds vorige week ben ik een 30 cm lange vlecht korten! And yes ik heb het dit keer weer gedoneerd ;)
  • Ik zit niet meer zo vastgeroest achter mijn laptop. JA, series en youtube kijk ik nog wel, en af en toe lees ik wel een blogje. Ik vind blogs nog steeds heel leuk maar het werd op een gegeven moment een gewoonte om elke post te lezen die in mijn bloglovin lijst kwam te staan. Langzaam aan scrolde ik er maar doorheen en zakte mijn interesse voor de hele blog wereld. Nu lees ik af en toe wat, waaronder paperboats en fireandjoy, als je ze niet kent raad ik het zeker aan om het even te bekijken.
  • En last but not least, ik ben enorm veranderd. Hoe precies kan en wil ik niet helemaal in woorden bevatten, maar wat ik wel kan zeggen is dat het een enorm goede verandering was. Verder geloof ik dat je als persoon moet groeien en dat je daar altijd tijd een aandacht in moet stoppen, dus verandering zal er altijd zijn. Maar dit jaar was voor mij best een grote switch.

Betekend dit dat ik mijn blog weer vol leven in ga blazen?

Eerlijk gezegd weet ik het niet. Sinds het begin van deze site, ben ik onzeker geweest over wat ik hiermee wilde doen. Het enige wat ik wist, was dat ik een plek wilde waar ik dingen kon delen. En dat wil ik nog steeds.

Liefs,

Citlali

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photography

Deel II van weer eens wat foto’s

29 February 2016

Zie hier zowaar een jaar te laat: de foto’s met de glittersteentjes!

Het is zo raar, want ik begon met een best simpel plan. En dat plan draaide grotendeels om het plakken van glittersteentjes. En als ik nu naar de foto’s kijk, hebben de steentjes niet echt veel toegevoegde waarde. Sterker nog, ik denk dat ik sommige foto’s misschien wel mooier had gevonden als ze zonder de glittersteentjes genomen zouden zijn. Al moet ik bekennen dat het plakken en er een beetje mee spelen wel heel leuk was. Misschien dat we de volgende keer meer steentjes plakken, of ze gewoon helemaal weglaten. We zullen het wel zien.

Hoe dan ook ben ik zeker blij met deze foto’s. Ik weet niet helemaal wat het is met deze foto hieronder, maar ik vind het mooi. En ja dat over je eigen foto zeggen is wat raar, maar moet zeker kunnen toch. Helpt natuurlijk ook dat Asmara prachtig is <3

 

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