| body positivity | Personal

about my skin

13 mei 2017

There is something about my skin that I haven’t shared with anybody. Until now that is. When I was 14, I managed to get burned. My upper legs were covered in blisters on a thick red carpet that had formed on my legs. On my hip a blister around the size of my thumb, my arm carrying a red stain, my fingers covered in thin white-translucent blisters and additional marks here and there. I hated the pain. I couldn’t walk for days as it would make my skin stretch and my blisters ache. The heat making everything worse. Simple things like going to the bathroom, sleeping, walking, everything had become too difficult. The pain didn’t last long, about 2 weeks later, I was already hopping through the garden and dancing in the rain. I never really cared about the way it looked. And to this day I still don’t care. Most of it has faded away. As the strange individual that I was I even thought it was quite nice, it tells a silly story.

So why am I sharing this with you?

First of all to warn you for citrus fruits. If you get the juice on your skin, for example on your hands by putting lemon on your meal, if it then gets exposed to sun, it can cause some nasty burns. I believe this is something that mostly happens around the beach with bright sun. It won’t happen that easy here in Holland, but still please be careful! I also once read that a lot of party-people get it from drinking something with lemon juice, which results is a upper lip burn :( Don’t get me wrong I loooove lemons and most citrus fruits, but be careful with them!

The second reason I wanted to share this, is to tell you that scars are not things you have to hide. They don’t make you any more or less beautiful. It might be easy to say this for me, as I was mostly left with scars on the sides of my body and on my legs. They are hardly ever exposed and they are mild burns. As I said, now you can hardly even see them. But scars, no matter the cause or how visible they are. They do not make you any less beautiful.

Lots of love,

Citlali

5 click on the heart if you liked this post and want to tell me :)

-If you want more info on these citrus burns, it’s called phytophotodermatitis and it’s a chemical reaction. You can look it up :)

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| body positivity

To be content with your body

6 mei 2017

Body positivity

A subject I find incredibly important. We live in a society where our appearance is constantly judged, by others but also by ourselves. Unfortunately there are many people who look in the mirror and see an image they don’t like. People who don’t feel confident without make-up. People who don’t like their body shape. Zits, fat rolls, bony shoulders, broad shoulders, it seems as if no body-type is ever good enough. We all have flaws, insecurities. Can you imagine a world where everyone looks like a (photo-shopped)supermodel, even without make-up on, a new ‘natural’ look. I’m pretty sure we would still find flaws, maybe in a different way, but still we wouldn’t be content. If this would be reality -I am sorry to crush this ‘ideal’ image- but don’t you think this would make us so much less interesting. We would lose so much diversity and we should embrace our diversity. Because it is beautiful.

I have had struggles with my body image for many years. And now I’m happy to say that I am actually really happy with my body. The truth is my body still looks the same, mostly anyways. But internally I have changed. I have learned to appreciate my tiny posture, my lack of boobs, my skin even with my scars, bruises and impurities. I have accepted that you can see my rib cage when I bent forward and see my belly bulge at the same time. There are still things that I don’t like about my appearance, things that make me self aware. But I have decided that I can be content about them and I do realize how little they change about my appearance as a whole. Most importantly how they change me only for the better as a person.

I was always thin, something many people strive for. I wasn’t always happy though. Comments ranged from; ”Do you eat enough? If you don’t eat more, I will be worried about you having anorexia -no joke, someone actually told me this in a joke like way, after which I escaped to the bathroom to cry. Here have some more food, you need it. I wish I was as skinny as you are! You’re so lucky, you don’t get fat!” All these comment were made by people who care(d) for me. But I hope you can realize that they did not make me happy, not at all. Two lovely ladies did ask me why it would not be nice to hear that you are thin, after all it’s something they see as a positive thing. I explained them and I will explain it here as well, very short using my opinion. I never wanted to be skinny, I wanted to be healthy, a healthy weight. Hearing the words skinny or thin always made me feel like I was underweight. As if people would judge me for not eating enough, not being enough. And that hurts.

Mariët Mons wrote a beautiful post about beauty or function of our bodies. It is written in Dutch, and if you can please read it. Mariët writes beautiful. The main message is something that I want to share with you! It’s that we should realize that the value of our body does not depend on how it looks, the value is in it’s functionality. What really is important is health and love, and for this you do NOT need a perfect body that lacks flaws and follows all the beauty standards.

Here is a tiny exercise that may sound silly to some, but who cares. Kan gewoon:

Stand in front of your mirror, if possible a full body frame mirror. You can wear your favorite outfit, your underwear, nothing, it doesn’t really matter. Now close your eyes. Say all your flaws (out loud or in your mind) BUT follow them by saying a positive thing about the flaws as well. Start wherever you like, and finish when you feel like it. Take a deep calm breath and open your eyes.

I hope you realize that you are beautiful!

With love,

Citlali

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curiosity killed the cat

23 april 2017

There is this thing about my curiosity, making me discover some things I don’t want to. It once happened years ago, making me implode. Tears just ran down my face and I felt sick to my stomach. I was hurting for quite a long time afterwards. We somehow make a terrible combination, nevertheless we make a great one as well. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t discovered it. I don’t know where I would be, and more importantly I don’t know where you would be, if you would still be here. So I can’t let go of my curiosity, I just can’t.
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And there we where, playing some stupid game yet enjoying it. I ruined it, I tend to ruin a lot of things by my curiosity. Why is it that I never learn from my mistakes? It’s a burden for myself, and for others. I keep finding out stuff I don’t want to know about. Yet knowing the truth might be the best, it just hurts. It hurts to know, and I don’t know why but I can’t blame you for anything. I could already tell. I felt it. I could just feel this sight, the thin air being released from your lips. An internal eye roll. Every damn time. I felt it but I tried to block my negative thoughts since I tend to overthink everything.

And then you where there for real. You kept smiling. Laughing. I got confused as your friendliness was combined by words forming tiny little thorns pressing against my skin. Not realizing how it makes me feel, I could easily blame it on my stupid sensitivity. And then there is you, the first person who gave me a warm welcome. But i guess you could already tell by our first meeting, my weak handshake, what kind of person I really am. I don’t know if I can even blame you. I know you good enough to know that you are lovely, you would never hurt me on purpose.

I was too curious, and too weak for the truth.

Should I not have sent that? Should I have waited till my energy levels were balanced once again. Is it my fault? My fault for saying the wrong stuff, for not being able to deal with things like normal people. Is this one of my many weaknesses? I have many flaws nonetheless I like to believe that they are outshines by my good qualities. Are they though?

A deep breath later and I can already feel that my mentality has changed. It is just hard to be confronted with the truth.

I wasn’t even supposed to know.

So here I am pouring my heart out in words. Feeling fragile yet at peace.

With love,

Citlali

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A small inside to my thoughts

28 maart 2017

I keep wanting to write, but then I don’t. I forget, I don’t make time for it and when I have time for it I’m not in the mood.
The things I want to write about are often damn hard topics. Ranging from a bit hard to pretty much depressing.

For one,
I like to believe that there is more to everyone we meet.
A quote I have seen quite often on pinterest is ‘be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting their own battle’.
Conclusion; you don’t know what a person is going trough.
Sure it’s not an excuse to act like an asshole, but it puts things in perspective. People go trough all kind of stuff and yes it makes us vulnerable, but it also shapes us as a person, it makes us interesting.
It gives us all these layers and it can make us very complicated as well.

I am a highly curious person. Therefor, I like to get to know people layer by layer. Sometimes skipping too many layers or not realizing that people are not ready or not willing to share those layers with me.

I used to be very closed. Telling someone which songs I would listen to or what my opinion was on something made me very scared. As if they would make fun of me and not respect my opinions. Fortunately, I have grown immensely as a person. I am still shy, but I stand up for what I believe in, at least a tad bit more, and I try to open up.

I believe that I get people out of their shells at least a bit. Because I am shy but also a peoples person, people tend to feel comfortable around me and they open up. I like that.
I like getting to know ‘the quiet’ ones. The ones that come across as ‘boring’ stay at home people. Perhaps people like me. And then to get to know how utterly opposite to boring they are.

As a clarification, no I don’t inspect people and analyse who I should hang out with, based on my crappy judgement. I try not to judge on how someone looks. I still do, but I try not to let my prejudgment change how I am towards others. Just how I wouldn’t want to be judged based only on how I look.

 

 

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