curiosity killed the cat

23 April 2017

There is this thing about my curiosity, making me discover some things I don’t want to. It once happened years ago, making me implode. Tears just ran down my face and I felt sick to my stomach. I was hurting for quite a long time afterwards. We somehow make a terrible combination, nevertheless we make a great one as well. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t discovered it. I don’t know where I would be, and more importantly I don’t know where you would be, if you would still be here. So I can’t let go of my curiosity, I just can’t.
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And there we where, playing some stupid game yet enjoying it. I ruined it, I tend to ruin a lot of things by my curiosity. Why is it that I never learn from my mistakes? It’s a burden for myself, and for others. I keep finding out stuff I don’t want to know about. Yet knowing the truth might be the best, it just hurts. It hurts to know, and I don’t know why but I can’t blame you for anything. I could already tell. I felt it. I could just feel this sight, the thin air being released from your lips. An internal eye roll. Every damn time. I felt it but I tried to block my negative thoughts since I tend to overthink everything.

And then you where there for real. You kept smiling. Laughing. I got confused as your friendliness was combined by words forming tiny little thorns pressing against my skin. Not realizing how it makes me feel, I could easily blame it on my stupid sensitivity. And then there is you, the first person who gave me a warm welcome. But i guess you could already tell by our first meeting, my weak handshake, what kind of person I really am. I don’t know if I can even blame you. I know you good enough to know that you are lovely, you would never hurt me on purpose.

I was too curious, and too weak for the truth.

Should I not have sent that? Should I have waited till my energy levels were balanced once again. Is it my fault? My fault for saying the wrong stuff, for not being able to deal with things like normal people. Is this one of my many weaknesses? I have many flaws nonetheless I like to believe that they are outshines by my good qualities. Are they though?

A deep breath later and I can already feel that my mentality has changed. It is just hard to be confronted with the truth.

I wasn’t even supposed to know.

So here I am pouring my heart out in words. Feeling fragile yet at peace.

With love,

Citlali

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