Personal | thoughts

Over wielen en geluk

5 oktober 2017

But we like having you as company! And yes, i also enjoy being with you. It’s just that sometimes, being the third wheel feels really lonely and unwanted. To be between friends.

Guys, i have a slight problem, again.

After being third wheel for a while i got to know both persons. We became friends. Shitty friends if you ask me, because what kind of friend are you if you can only meet when it’s the three of you.

I do get it, perfectly even, my boyfriend hanging out with my friends, without me? No, rather not.

Forced to be acquaintances. But what if they break up? Do i just say bye and never speak to them again? That’s also weird. But actually meeting and hanging out would possibly be even weirder.

Anyways, now a new dilemma arose.

Two people, yet again, the same story all over. If possible maybe a thousand times more difficult.

The main wheels form a highly unbelievably difficult existence. And now i, the third wheel, is doing all kinds of things, in the hope of not falling apart, to keep us rolling. Being friends of two people who can trust me, the subject of two, the admirer of two, yet left out by both.

All i want is for them to be happy. I thought so, in the mean time i want more. I want way more. Trying to give advise without any knowledge about the manner, me an emotional wreck with too many feelings. Sharing hurts, as i tell things to certain people with an intention, only for them to hear.

The last weeks i felt lonelier then ever. I finished an important chapter in my life, something i wanted to celebrate.

I hoped the person i wanted to celebrate it with would hug me and tell me how proud they are. I hoped it would be our secret and people would wonder what we were celebrating. But it wasn’t you who knew. The only one who knew was my partner in crime, my crazy lovely buddy. I can only hope we will know each other for a very long time.

But you, you are a different story. I knew it was complicated, but yesterday everything got more and more complicated. My head filled with confetti.

I like to keep my stories a bit cryptic, not only to prevent it being too personal and too difficult for me, but also to make you see the story and fill the gaps with your life. For you to know you are not alone, we all have struggles sometimes. A solidarity based on life obstacles.

I wrote it so cryptic, that even i don’t know about who i was talking about. Which is weird because i would expect myself to remember such an important thing. Truth is it could have been many people, in many different ways. I wrote this a while back obviously.

It became an incoherent whole, but i hope you can find something in this piece of text that speaks to you!

2

With love,

Lali

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Personal | Schrijfsel

Growing (+some mumblings about my vacation)

29 juli 2017

I see the chance for growth. The work it will cost doesn’t matter, somehow the work and all the effort will be worth it. I will be worth it.

There are moments where I feel egocentric, for setting goals and focusing on me. But as I once wrote, by growing and trying to work to be the best I can be, I might inspire others. I might one day become a person who makes others feel how they deserve to feel.

That’s not too bad is it?

It’s important to have self-worth, self love. To feel good and to be happy.

When I feel good, I feel like I can give so much more. In sense of energy but also in the sense of actions.

As for now it’s time for a vacation. For me it means spending hours doing very little, including reading and making a long summer to-do list, and then mixing it with doing as much as possible and seeing as much lovely people as I can fit in my schedule. This year my vacation starts a month later, and unfortunately it should have started today. Yup that’s right, should have. I am hoping to prolong it by just one week but then again, I also want to start a new experiment based on the results from this week. And writing a report costs me more time and effort then I always imagine. I can’t really start and then I start and everything feels crappy. Whaaah, lots of stuff, many things on my mind. BUT weirdly enough, even though I can’t wait to finish my report. I don’t want to leave my internship. The place is filled with good energy and has slowly become like a second fourth? (I lost count) home to me. The work I do makes me happy, and the idea that my future job makes me happy, makes me even happier.

Love and peace!

3

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| Personal | thoughts

you are enough

6 juli 2017

tulips

i can be so open
in my thoughts and on paper
sometimes i am a bit weird,
in the sense that i put too much effort in things
things that seem so pointless to others

i am grateful for silly small things like someones love for socks, someone being their weird self, the joy of others in something they really like even if it seems like no big deal to me. A feeling someone gives of. A certain calm or a certain energized happiness.

I want to show people their worth. Especially if they don’t seem to see it themselves. Between a whole lot of arrogant stupid people there are so many souls that light up so bright, they blind themselves. I want to be the person who helps them notice, just how wonderful they are. How they are worth effort, time and space.

I believe in self-love. And at times i don’t live by it myself. Just a kind word can change a whole day, and you do not need to hear those words from someone else. You are enough <3

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| body positivity | Personal

about my skin

13 mei 2017

There is something about my skin that I haven’t shared with anybody. Until now that is. When I was 14, I managed to get burned. My upper legs were covered in blisters on a thick red carpet that had formed on my legs. On my hip a blister around the size of my thumb, my arm carrying a red stain, my fingers covered in thin white-translucent blisters and additional marks here and there. I hated the pain. I couldn’t walk for days as it would make my skin stretch and my blisters ache. The heat making everything worse. Simple things like going to the bathroom, sleeping, walking, everything had become too difficult. The pain didn’t last long, about 2 weeks later, I was already hopping through the garden and dancing in the rain. I never really cared about the way it looked. And to this day I still don’t care. Most of it has faded away. As the strange individual that I was I even thought it was quite nice, it tells a silly story.

So why am I sharing this with you?

First of all to warn you for citrus fruits. If you get the juice on your skin, for example on your hands by putting lemon on your meal, if it then gets exposed to sun, it can cause some nasty burns. I believe this is something that mostly happens around the beach with bright sun. It won’t happen that easy here in Holland, but still please be careful! I also once read that a lot of party-people get it from drinking something with lemon juice, which results is a upper lip burn :( Don’t get me wrong I loooove lemons and most citrus fruits, but be careful with them!

The second reason I wanted to share this, is to tell you that scars are not things you have to hide. They don’t make you any more or less beautiful. It might be easy to say this for me, as I was mostly left with scars on the sides of my body and on my legs. They are hardly ever exposed and they are mild burns. As I said, now you can hardly even see them. But scars, no matter the cause or how visible they are. They do not make you any less beautiful.

Lots of love,

Citlali

5 click on the heart if you liked this post and want to tell me :)

-If you want more info on these citrus burns, it’s called phytophotodermatitis and it’s a chemical reaction. You can look it up :)

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